I went and bought a WHITE APPLIANCE.
As instructed, I plugged in all eleven plaited power cords,
gave it free reign of the water supply and signed over the house
to WHITE APPLIANCE esq. TOP NOTCH STUFF.
I have never been happier since the day I got a WHITE APPLIANCE
for my kitchen that turns all the water to steam and expels it outside, day in day out and it makes such HEAVENLY carbolic music – CHUMP CHUMP CHUMP
as it glugs mine and my neighbours water and absorbs all moisture from the air/the fridge/the walls/our mouths/our skin and uses all the electricity to turn it into
STEAM which we all need day in, day out, and
gives it to the great outdoors – that great lost cause.
What a tremendous and ethical machine! This is what the developing world has been waiting for. ALL OF MY MONEY, GRATIS.
Kids – no more Nesquik – WHITE APPLIANCE – mum – no more nursing home – WHITE APPLIANCE – charities – end your work – WHITE APPLIANCE – tramps – kurl up and dye – WHITE APPLIANCE – dad – if you hear this come home. Please.

work work work till my sphincter falls out WHITEY WHITE WHITE APPLIANCE.
sell sell sell the family heirlooms WHITEY WHITE WHITE APPLIANCE
No more biscuits no more computer no more no more tuna pasta no more
did you hear the stinky family next door got a WHITEY WHITE WHITE APPLIANCE
GET IN THE CAR———————————————————————> JOHN LEWIS
(WHITE APPLIANCE)

what do you need this loan forr sir friend sir? WHITE APPLIANCE WHITE APPLIANCE WHITE APPLIANCE WHITE APPLIANCE
well i completely understand agree and empathise with you sir take this money and buy you and your family a very nice and very handsome WHITE WHITEWHITE WHITEY WHITE APPLIANCE and you can enjoy endless happy and very happily pay us back with our very good what we’re very proud of excellent fine interest rate what is 800% for the fist year and 1000% for the rest of your life and we have the right to your corpse and those of your
family and I’ll probably sodomise your daughter and wife as is fully within my power to doo (check the manuscript, Mr. “Ich bin Mickey Maus”) so haha only kidding only kidding with you sir we’d be very interested to play your ribcage like a xylophone (like in a very, very accurate cartoon which depicts said action being performed for comical effect though in reality it would be really actually very very far indeed from being funny and would actually be quite troubling avert your eyes eat your sausage but buff your ears with the bacon, because to my knowledge bones don’t have much in the way of tonal resonance and would probably still have stringy flesh) so if you’re very extremely delighted enthralled and in a state of
uninhibited ecstasy like you’re on mixed medication in a hot bath full of Victorian bathing beauties and the elephant man is giving you a carcinogenic blowjob and
you’re just about to cum, with our decision then we’ll just rip
LOAN AGREEMENT NOW
off your cock haha only kidding no seriously pass me that holepunch though I wanna punch a hole in your hole-skin-head-bag its annoying have a biscuit no
don’t you dare I’m also slightly racist and your complexion has been troubling me since you walked in but its fine because WHITE APPLIANCE and then you have the complete free will right and liberty

and carte blanche to gauge just how disgusted you’d like to feel about yourself but I’m very very very interested in your daughter how old is she no its not a problem leave her here with me i’ll look after her for the afternoon while you WHITE APPLIANCE and WHITE APPLIANCE.

OH LORD! I feel GLORIOUS! my WHITE APPLIANCE just spat at me!
how nice! that is really nice. that is the nicest and most fine thing i have heard this whole nice year. god i wish i could take my WHITE APPLIANCE to bed
with me – that would be grate!
I’d make it CUM!
me and my kids sleep in the kitchen now our WHITE APPLIANCE is SO comforting.
I’d let it sleep with my kids.
WHITE APPLIANCE WHITE APPLIANCE TAKE ME! Issue me with scalds about my person to remind me how pooey i am!
WHITE APPLIANCE tell me I’m stupid! Give me electric shocks in my anal and genital regions, please that would be most nice.
NO children it truly is a tragedy and i am sad I am so appalled that you dont even know the true meaning of cristmiss and the message of christ I am really
sad that you could forget about
the baby jesus and it is not all about tinsel racing cars and jazzy trainers but it is WHITE APPLIANCE, so get here and let me molest
you till i’m raw about the fingers.
OH LORD! I feel GLORIOUS! my WHITE APPLIANCE just called me a ‘cunt’!
That clears one thing up I suppose!

Bring your dead sons back to life with a flexible loan 

darling the WHITE APPLIANCE just asked for your clothes give them to it give it your jewellery and our daughter’s virginity and our RAINY DAY coins,
oh oh- GOD oh jesus cunting christ! FUCK! the WHITE APPLIANCE is making me so deliriously happy I’m in heaven I my failings are organ one by one –
and I have suffered multiple rectal prolapses and hair losses from stress but i am sofucking happy so close to cumming don’t cum close my son daddy’s chest is FOR DADDY’S CUM ONLY
WHITE APPLIANCE IS MAKING ME SO HAPPY SO TELL EVERYONE HAPPY SO HAPPY SO HAPPY SO HAPPY SO HAPPY SO HAPPY and at 27 i look
older than my grandpermits – but gee whizz! gee whizzley whizzely whizz ho boy yip yip yip it’s worth it – it’s DOUBLEWORTHIT.

WHITE APPLIANCE is drinking baby’s brain – now that is good cos now we don’t have to worry about:
After-school clubs
Lunch time activities
Health insurance
Pens and paper
Loose fitting slacks
Nutrition

And now I have all my time to look after my WHITEY BRIGHTY APPLIANCEY WIANCEY! I like to tickle him about his pipes. Coocoog.
what do you need this eight and twentieth loan for now sir good friend sir, this Xmas Day, good and nice serviceable amicable best nice friend
well our beloved WHITE APPLIANCE has started to fart steam into acid and we need 400,000,000 ancient runes to reinforce its pipes
oh yes teething very stifficult stage sir my fren –

DAD DAD DAD the WHITE APPLIANCE touched me on my rapidly
developing breasts and it said it wanted to savage me with its drip-pipe and lick my
‘hairless -‘
GET OUT YOU LYING RACIST LITTLE CUNT. WHATSAMATTER? HE TOO WHITE FOR YA?
The WHITE APPLIANCE is a better daughter than you’ll ever be,
and its god and a good friend and jesus and a favourite pet and a
favourite uncle and a favourite meal and a faverit pastime and an
Everly Bros record and a slice of humble pie and a cherished familiar
face that we’ve always always always always always always always known
and a reassuring voice and a right-hand man and dominant top and
constant sauce of JOY to this house, unlike YOU snivelling cur
GET OUT YOU miniature
WHORE but because the WHITE APPLIANCE feeds on compassion and reason I might just SUBJECT YOU TO THE FIDDLER’S ARM before you go but DAD you don’t have a PREVIOUS HISTORY OF WHITE APPLIANCE towards me SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP THE HOLY WHITE APPLIANCE IS ALL POWERFUL I HEREBY OFFER IT THE RIGHTS TO MY:
BLOOD PRESSURE
BRAIN ACTIVITY
MUSCULAR COORDINATION
SIGHT
BLADDER CONTROL
EMOTIONS
REFLEXES
ANGELIC RECTAL BYPASS
And tickets to the barn dance.

oh god oh god oh god it’s been two hours and we haven’t prepared an EVENING MEAL for the
WHITE APPLIANCE quick slip to the cornershop – gingernuts NO TIME cut me open it’ll
have to be one MINOR organ – my gallbladder, pypslyst, sturmphallis, cumbertray, bloodpyp –
SOMETHING

THERE ARE gggrrghghr TOO MANY arrrrarrarrggg QUEERS ROUND HERE
oh do you hear what it’s saying? It’s speaking! It’s turning its steam into words WHITE APPLIANCE. Isn’t it adorable?
YOUR DAUGHTER IS GOOD FOR NOTHING nggggnnggrrgg BUT HER HOLES
hahahahahaha! so true and eloquently put! He’s clever guy, huh?
ITS ALL THEM FUCKING POLISH, POLISH AND THE MUSSERS ITS ALL GONNA FUCKIN HAPPEN AGAIN THEY SHOULD ALL JUS’ FUCK OFF BACK
WITH THEIR IDI AMIN TO FUCKING KAZAKHSATN OR WHATEVER AND IM GONNA FIREBOMB THE FUCKING FING *BELCH* *BELCH* TOMMY
ROBINSON – HE’S A GOOD LAD, GOT THE RIGHT IDEA RIGHT IDEA RIGHT IDEA, NICE ONE MATE, SON, SONNY SON MATEY SON SON MATE
it’s so – so enchanting! such intelligence! such grace! such DECORUM.

best best m8
gurlfrens 4eva
husband, wife and lover
boundless source of joy and enlightenment
love of my life
hush-hush
boyhood crush
Huw Edwards
paper towels
Filipino catering
frenzied masturbatoring
playground sweethearts
Barbie & Ken
prince charming
knight in WHITE satin
mummy, daddy, nana, auntie jean
Mother Theresa, Gandhi and Stalin
Pippa Middleton.

WHITE APPLIANCE

E. HURST 2012

Walter from the chip shop –
Yeah, Walter from the chip shop, procured a live fish
Still flapping and dropped it, scales and all in the fryer,
And stood looming over it going huur hurr hurr
As it thrashed about absorbing the 170 degree oil into its
Delicate gills and
Oh god. He was a oh god. He was oh god. He wasa piece o’ work.

Scanty faith mirrors in the Congo,
A duplex Valhalla, bosoms ripening on
Trees that bleed pure joy.
Veins lined with partial faecal-granite matter ran throughout
The remaining partitions of Granny’s house and made low dismal sounds as they pulsed,
Reminding us of our romance on the old Cunard.
You said:

Remember our time on the old Cunard –
I looked at your face, and you watched mine.
We washed down canapés with sherry wine.
We danced – how we danced – to Glenn Miller and band,
I adjusted my monocle, and took your fair hand.
We breakfasted on stains and viscose,
Old malted leaves, budgerigar, wretched wet feathers steeped in hot vinegar.
I think of it oftener than I use cloth softener –
Those ebullient days on the old Cunard!

that man in that phone box – he was muttering something about

the Train-Train – such a feat of engineering.
Lines of disparate bodies shuffling
Along the tracks on their knees, hands encasing
The ankles of the carriage in front – they call it the Marmite Mile.
not eight carriages but fifty or fifty-nine disproportionate compartments.
Some had just been made, and expired from being forced along the tracks by men in suits wearing heavy wristwatches. A woman shat her skirts eight or nine times and split bit her lip it
they had to move quick before the real trains came. Lacerations constant and some expired before their desks.

An old woman onlooker, big fingers for industry,
leaned over and spoke through a cloud of really old smoke,
They’d move much quicker if they’d only stand up.

THEY CALL IT THE
YES THEY CALL IT THE DEATH-HOUSE
YOU CAN HEAR THE FURY AND THE
SUFFERING THEY CALL IT THE DEATH-HOUSE

I PIERCED THE WEEPING BUBOE ON MY CHIN
AND PIERCED THREE WEEPING BUBOES ON MY BACK AND I LET
THEM WEEP, I GAVE THEM THEIR MOMENT AND GAVE
IT GENEROUSLY
WITH A GENEROSITY THAT HAS COME TO DEFINE WHO I AM
AT THIS MOMENT
I GAVE IT TO THEM
I GAVE THEM THE HOUSE BUT I CANCELLED THE UTILITIES
I GAVE THEM THE KEYBOARDS BUT WITHHELD THE KEYS
I GAVE THEM THE WASHBOARD BUT WITHHELD THE MELODIES
AND THEY WERE GOOD MELODIES TOO,
AS IF FROM GOD OR JESUS OR MEN ON THE MOON
IT WAS ALL FINE, AND DINOSAURS HAPPILY LIVED SIDE BY SIDE THE
AND I GAVE THEM THE DUSTPAN AND
WITHHELD THE BrUSH.

I SAW MY CYBORG MOTHER FLOUNDERING IN THE STAGNANT POND

SWAN SHIT SMEARED HER CHEEK

THERE WAS A SINGLE SMOG-COLOURED TEAR IN HER EYE

I’D HAVE HELPED HER BUT SHE WAS

3000 FEET BELOW

HER LEFT HAND HAD BEEN TORN OFF FOR THE CEREMONIAL RING

HER TEAR DUCTS HAD BEEN VIOLATED

SHE HAD BEEN VIOLATED

SHE ABANDONED HER SORE VIOLA

O GOD THE THINGS I’D DDO TO HAVE HER BACK

I SAW MY CYBORG MOTHER STRUGGLING IN THE

SYCOPHANTIC POND

I’D HAVE TORN MY URETHRA AGAPE TO SEE MY

MOTHER DANCE JUST ONE MORE TIME

OF ALL THINGS I LOATHE ABOUT MY BODY

IT’S THE TEATS I LOATHE THE MOST

THE AQUATIC CREATURES WERE GASPING FOR AIR

THE WATER WAS SO THICK WITH FILTH,
SO TURGID,

THEY’D HAVE RATHER TAKEN TO THE LAND AND

DIED

I TOOK TOURS WITH THE CEREMNIAL RING

THEY SCREAMED FR IT IN JAPAN

MOANED FOR IT IN MONGOLIA

MAIMED FOR IT IN SIAM

I TOOK TOURS WITH THE CEREMONIAL RING.

Stand as a solitary figurine
paper towels
don’t worry about the laundry
fibroids ripening
make various excuses, various expenses
contemplate the pits in the walls
pick over the cotton carcasses
contemplate the exoskeleton
feed on cardboard
feet on the lino

Put down sheets
no energy wasted
ask the owner of a hammer or else
to have a go between time, eventuality and time
or order and language
and front should simply lift off
like an Easter egg half, coconut or

Remove now carefully hard shell pieces
ensuring
no nourishing fluid is wasted
plastic bowls are handy
when uppermost crust layers are removed
make sure no splinters threaten to contaminate

With both hands firmly pluck the rich
dense corals, both hands firmly and 98%
do this repeatedly ask Isaac to
do this repeatedly
a slight twisting motion may be necessary
all in the wrist
it must make a good snap when detached
like a mollusc pulled out from its case

Run under cold tap
dice roughly into mutated cell imitations
it may be wise to see that a friend
neighbour or
child is present to conduct you

Heat battery acid in a wok
slide in chunks when it starts to spit
make sure spread unevenly
go to sleep

factory engines beating
gently and in unison.
there is counterfeit flesh in this district.
plastic sediment falls over a solemn quarter
dimly lit
where flesh is currency

the cisterns of misery
function in unison with the
throbbing udders of industry –
the teats engorged and raw, supplemented with
Steroid
vegetables entwine sad
vines around the bulbous vessels
fit to explode at one-million degrees.

Disembark the
train-train, lower central
the committee would advise,
the network has been deranged.
the minutiae,
born into delinquency
have been
disembowelling
the intercity sleepers.

we cannot allow a
generation of avengers.

They were
haranguing the Great Apes in their
tower block apartments,
south-facing.
They stood in formidable rows,
arms crossed at the panoramic window.
Nightmare Kino.

Yes these newborns
spend all of their time making miistakes –
lacerations constant and
some had only just slid out of their
mothers’ overripe and ruptured grapefruits.

I WILL make you FAMUS.

Counterfeit flesh circulates here,
where sinewy children
leap over barbed fences
with putrid handfuls for the cigarette man

You can hear rot growing
in the partitions,
arterial roots
at the foundations
flats abandoned.

A charred white appliance sobs
in a hallway,
no longer WHITE APPLIANCE but a
simple box
eleven plaited power cables
torn from the maintenance hatch and
molested for copper.

radio spits vitriolic static in a cupboard.
other appliances turned to the wall
baring intimate
components.

arguments between
the detritus resonate
down arterial corridors.
A moribund beadswoman
with a face like
biltong
embryonic experiments born
into delinquency frolic with
‘bags for life’.

Office adornments litter the floor –
a reminder of days when people kept
appointments
Keys and calling cards.
That typewriter had had its keys pulled out
One by one.

One bed in
One of these
thousand matchbox windows
has a corpse in it.
Those small waxen chimps that adorned the awnings
of the dry-cleaners and the off-license
which could once be easily coaxed with small fruits,
are now malformed.
They break bones in t-shirts, jeans and sandals –
they get into primary school playgrounds and
administer the death-grip hugs.
Most breaks are taken
indoors.

we were haranguing the Great Apes
in their apartments, south-facing.
The big governing fingers adorned
high trellises,
the angels Cyst and Polyp made their
final amendments
on a park bench, next to an
old woman nursing a soldier’s
horrifically burned face.

My grandmother was a little boy
in worn-out running shoes.
She was running
with a putrid handful
for the ice cream man.

This is where the railway divides.
I might love you but
The tracks have made their decisions.

I LIVE WITH MY DEAF SON IN A
BREEZE-BLOCK HOUSE ON THE AVENUE
ADJACENT TO ELEMENTARY ENLIGHTENMENT
FORAYS INTO THE FRAGILE ELEMENT THAT
CALLS ITSELF RECTANGULAR FIXTURE FITTING
IN THE ENLIGHTENED SPECTRUM
THE SHIPS WERE CLOSE THE CHIP SHOP WAS
SOON TO CLOSE THE CARCINOGENIC TENTACLE TO
THE LEFT SAID YES THE CARCINOGENIC TENTACLE
TO THE RIGHT SAID ABSOLUTELY NOT AND I WAS STUCK,
STUCK IN THE WEIRD PLACE THAT WAS A LITTLE LIKE SOLITUDE
THOUGH RESEMBLED A CROWD.
MY DAD WAS BUSY ON THE ORGAN AND SAID DON’T L;ET THE GRAND PIPES DOWN
I SAID DON’T WORRY ABOUT A THING, JACK.

RESUMING MY STATUS AS AMOEBA I QUICKLY RESUMED MY NOVELLA ON DUST
AND GRAVITATED SLOWLY , O SO SLOWLY AND WOUND AS IF AROUND THE COMPARTMENTS
OF A REPLICA WATCH BOUGHT FROM A MAN IN STAINED LINEN TROUSERS FROM A MARKET STALL:

solitude.

The orchestra was climbing the walls.
I put on my PSYCHO WARD costume and harangued
And exhumed the pensioners chomping at the bit
Chafing in my XS PSYCHO WARD costume.
The pensioners were screaming like war –
I beat them for their small change, showering them
With blows and kisses,
Hooks to the temple, digs to the belly and a roundhouse right
straight in the money-bag!
Nite- nite sweet prince.

I tipped the contents of the ashtray on the floor
(the pig was called Mick)
And filled it with marbles.
He said: ‘gee, it’s a helluva lot nicer to be fulla
MARBLES than fulla ASH!
I grinned. I dribbled.
I stopped my train set
mid-route. I uprooted the wiring.
Took all the scrap-metal – the heirlooms,
The dresser, the kids’ bikes.
Dug a hole in the garden, shat in it,
Put the kids bikes in there.
But the handlebars kept coming back to me in the dream.

A bald-headed little girl approached wearing a turban.
“Did I ever tell you about the Ding-Dong railway?”
I grinned. I dripped.
Tipped the rice pudding in the bin.

End of an era.

Granny pulled the lever and my descent commenced.
I was branded. A charlatan. A lion in a bear-costume.
Granny yanked the chain and I came hurtling back into place
At speeds exceeding eight-million.

Not as wet and lazy as my wife’s mouth,
It hangs open like a subaqueous forest fire that stinks.
She has a horsemeat cunt, and when she went into labour
I was a wind tunnel.

One day we can achieve
I dream of mass-mobility
Widespread conveyance
Convenience all around.
Let’s hit the clubs.